I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
