turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
