You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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