i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
