you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
