Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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