I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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