her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize