he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
