Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
