my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
