Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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