it's too hot outside to masturbate.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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