He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
