So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
