Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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