I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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