In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
