smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
