Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
