I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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