We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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