My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
