You smell like stripper and shame
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
