And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
