I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
