You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
