how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
