wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
