You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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