Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
