you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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