I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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