i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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