I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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