I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
