Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
