my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
do herpes really smell.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
