I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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