Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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