If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
