my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
