Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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