Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
