Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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