Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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