I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
