my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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