I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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