So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
