i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Floor bacon is actually really good
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