you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
