ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
