chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
