finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
