I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
