there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
