sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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